Abby's journal



April 6, 2018


In case it wasn't clear to you, the reason I touched upon some "touchy" subjects in the previous entry, was not to titillate, nor to embarrass Steve. You know that I make it my special concern to encourage couples who are attempting to continue their relationship across the Divide, and to address the issues and difficulties that they may generally encounter. (Steve is struggling to get precisely the wording that I want, to convey my ideas fully.) If you are in a monogamous relationship, then of course this issue of gradually-building sexual needs does arise, and must also be addressed. Not in a lurid way; but we can't sweep it under the carpet because it is too delicate a subject to broach.

Each solves it in his or her own way; I was just acknowledging that you are not alone in this problem, and in so-doing, I shared a little of how I direct Steve in this regard. He is quite surprised that I, who he perceives as being spiritual and somewhat other-worldly (based on my lifetime as Abby), would be so matter-of-fact about these things. But I was always so. He was surprised then, too! Because when he was a young man, and I was even younger (by four years), he strove mightily to keep our relationship chaste. But when I turned 16, and we privately agreed it was time (well, actually, I blatantly seduced him, because he never would have presumed on his own), he found that I was matter-of-factly curious to explore the whole arena of sex. As I have shared, before, I soon found it emotionally overwhelming, and was very, very, very glad I had picked my soul-partner for that "expedition"! Because we were soul-mates, and as my deep memory of our countless lives together awakened, my soul flooded into his and became part of his essence. I could not have extricated myself; and I was very glad I didn't have to try.

So there were, and still are, these two sides to me. Steve thinks maybe it's because I was a Gemini--I think maybe I was a Gemini because of this. ;-)

How did I seduce him? You probably want to know, don't you? (Be honest ;-). What Steve seems to remember, is not anything so very creative or unusual--I seduced him in a hayloft. Well, there were so few opportunities, and haylofts were quite popular for this purpose, in our day. What he seems to recall, is that we tended my father's horses, or my horses, in an isolated barn. Matt was down in the barn brushing them down, perhaps, while I was up in the hayloft forking out some hay for them. I called out to him, "Matt, come up here, I want you to see something." He was a bit irritated, being busy, and called back, "There's nothing in a hayloft that I haven't already seen." I answered, "You haven't seen this!"

Suddenly, he realized what I just might be saying, and he darn-near fell scrambling nervously up the ladder. As I came into view, he saw my head poking out from a blanket, with all my clothes neatly folded to one side. Now, he had been manfully restraining himself for many months, with a solemn promise to my parents (and my mother, in particular) that he would behave honorably--on the strength of this promise, we were permitted to go places alone (such as riding horseback, as we had done this day). When I was very young, when we first met, and I fell hopelessly in love with him (seeing that we were destined to be together someday), I flirted with him quite freely, because I was too young to realize how I was teasing him, and the discomfort I was causing him. I wanted him to notice me, but I didn't realize that he had already noticed me, but was holding back because I was too young. Later, I stopped teasing him like this; but never, at any time, had I risked all by attempting to seduce him outright.

Well, this, of course, was too much, and my only whispered request was that he withhold the final step, and not risk pregnancy thereby. He was always very sweet with my requests.

But, I fondly digress...I wish I could honestly tell you it was something more exotic than a hayloft, but it was plenty exotic for us.

Enough of this--the whole point was to acknowledge what each of us, meaning, the earth-side one, has to cope with. Some more easily than others. The solutions are various; but solutions which stop short of infidelity, or remarriage, are deeply appreciated by us, here. I say it that way because we feel that way. We understand; and the love and efforts which go into reserving oneself for us, your astral partner, are deeply appreciated. We know that, in the long term, over many years, we would be hard-pressed in the same circumstance.

If you slip up, do we, here, feel as devastated as we would have felt on earth? This is a tricky question, and allows for a great deal of individual temperament. I cannot answer it for everybody. I felt very badly about it, before Steve came to know of me, in his present life. I tried to stop those dalliances (partly for his sake, as they were dangerous); and when I could not, or when I was prevented from interfering, I suffered. I backed away emotionally, and developed close friendships, here. That was as far as I would go--I would not permit myself to form romantic relationships, here, though there was no dearth of young men (they are all young men, here) who wished to, with me. I would only permit platonic friendships; but these friendships substituted, in some measure, for my companionship with Matt/Steve. This was my best solution; I would say it was not ideal, but it was the best I could come up with, because I was hurting.

Now, out of respect for Steve, I have backed off somewhat, or limited, the expression of those friendships, and that was awkward on this side. Had Matt/Steve remained faithful to my memory, I would not have taken that direction. But one could scarcely expect Steve to remain faithful to a woman whom he perceived primarily as a sort of dim personal myth. As for Matt; he realized it was a mistake to try to either replace me, or to enter a practical marriage (he did both, at various times). But his faith simply wasn't strong enough to do what Steve is doing now. Matt maintained a relationship with me across the Divide for a few years, but couldn't sustain it. (Steve has the evidence for that in multiple published stories and poems.)

So we are just broaching the subject here--I hope you don't take it as preaching. On earth, we are blind--or at least "legally blind"--and we take various routes hoping it is the right one. When Steve was first getting together with me, in 2010, we went (i.e., he went and I was present with him) to an I-MAX theatre. Before the show started, Steve had a vision, in his mind's eye, of two paths diverging in a forest. One path was the one in which he continued to fall more deeply in love with me, sight-unseen. The other path was the one in which he pronounced it imagination. He understood, suddenly, that he could not straddle the line. He had to either take one path, or the other--and in particular, that if he took the path of belief, very soon it would be extremely difficult to return, because his emotions were in it. He might try to quit, but he would keep vacillating, and that vacillation would tear him apart, inside. So he had to make a firm choice.

Then and there, he determined to keep on believing it was real. And the matter was settled. He only wistfully thought to himself, "I hope I've made the right decision..."

Later, came the proofs. I was real, the relationship was real, and I did, indeed, love him as he hoped. But at that time, he had to make that momentous decision based on very little evidence--just his heart.

Now, Steve realized something the other day. This, he finds very hard to put into words, and I will not be much help, as it is intangible at best. One can say it, and it sounds like the same old thing you have expected to hear. Just as making love for the very first time in a hayloft sounds pretty-much like what you'd expect--but it certainly wasn't, for us! Your relationship across the Divide is as good as your faith. Let's assume, now, that it is real (because it is). What do you say when someone knows something is real, yet he or she still vacillates in their faith? You say that they are dampening their own experience unnecessarily. It could be richer and deeper, if only their faith was deeper. It is not--I repeat, not--a question of whether it is real, or not. We already know the answer. It is a question of faith. Do you understand that faith is a thing-in-itself? It is not an aftereffect of trying to determine what is real. You can know what is real, and still this issue of faith, this continuum of the degree of faith, comes up. "I can't believe it!" you say, of something you know is real. And that is the root problem; that is the very obstacle to a full relationship across the Divide. Everything else can open up for you, if you have the requisite faith. President Roosevelt said, "The only thing we have to fear, is fear, itself." Similarly, I say, "The only thing we need, for a relationship across the Divide to be as rich and as real as relationships where both partners are physical, is faith, itself."

Do you understand that faith is the key to all of this? Now, we hope we aren't intruding, but we will share the experience of a friend. She was looking for signs, and struggling with her faith. She was being given the message, to take a "leap of faith." The kind of leap that Steve took in the I-MAX theatre, for example. Finally, after getting this message several times (as Steve recalls), she had to go out of town, and was staying at a motel. That evening, she looked out the motel window, and saw that there was a theatre directly across the street. Do you know what the marquee said, in huge letters, advertising the upcoming production? "Leap of Faith."

Did the hair stand up on the back of your neck? It would, mine, if it could, here. We don't have these physiological reactions, but we can have the energy patterns associated with them--I made Steve insert the word "can." We can choose to have any of the reactions we had physically, as energy patterns; it's what you might think of as "customizing."

In this way, we can also have astral sex, through energy. It is far purer, more personal, and more intense, than physical sex, which relies on the physical instruments. "Personal," because--and Steve is having trouble expressing this--because it is your very soul-essence which communes with your lover, not generic nerve-endings.

Our sex is immediate, direct, and personal--the real item. Here, in my realm, at least, it is strictly between soul-mates or very close consenting friends who usually have a history of marriage on earth. Not that anyone is enforcing laws on the subject, it is what we wish. When Steve perseveres in avoiding entanglement with any woman on earth, he is "laying up store" for an unimaginably blissful sexual reunion with me. From my point of view, it will not be very long. From Steve's point of view, if he lives, say, to age 90, it could be 26 years! But even that is a short time. How joyfully will I greet him, when he has been faithful to me? Without any reservations, I will give myself to him wholeheartedly, and satisfy every desire. There will be nothing between us. No shyness. Nothing to impede our souls' merging.

Whatever he did by way of looking for me, or of experimentation, before he learned of me, is forgiven and forgotten. Likewise, if you have slipped, that, too, will be forgiven and forgotten. If you want this kind of fully faithful and monogamous relationship, even with the trials it represents on earth, simply start now. You will never be condemned either way--but it will be very deeply appreciated by your astral partner. (I am not addressing myself to those of you who have remarried. Of course we don't want you to hurt that person by pulling away from them.)

On another note, we have here, waiting for insertion into this entry, a picture Steve took this morning out his window down the street, from his third-story attic. Do you see the huge "Christmas tree," and the house with the turret, matching its form? This is a magical place, full of old houses, each with their own idiosyncratic character. I prepared this for Steve. How did I do it? The same way that our friend's lover arranged for the sign proclaiming "Leap of Faith" to be just outside her motel window. However that is ;-).

Love to each and all,