Abby's journal



April 2, 2018


I have gently nudged Steve that I want to channel this morning, though he doesn't know of any topics I might wish to cover. He hadn't realized it had been a week since we channeled last.

Steve is blocked, here, with something in the way--he says, "Oh, no, not that." But I have a reason, and to compromise, we will be succinct. Steve is a healthy male, and even at 64 years old, he feels the slowly building pressure for sex. I cannot give that to him in the fully physical sense; and, how can I put this, I am awed that Steve would set aside that need for the rest of his life, for me. Awed and honored are the best words Steve can find that fit, here. But it goes much deeper than that--"waiting" for a "late" spouse is the highest honor you can give them, the highest validation of what you meant to each other.

Now, I kept urging Steve to watch medium Allison Dubois' interview on YouTube. He kept putting it off--"What could she say that's new?" But finally he couldn't put me off any longer, and he watched it. And she said something I have been saying for years, in this journal. She said that when a spouse on the other side tells his or her lover, "It's okay, I want you to find someone new," it is something the person in the astral is trying to reconcile him or herself to. He or she is trying to be magnanimous, because he sees his beloved crying, and miserable, and lonely. Do you see? Of course we don't want to be selfish to the point of cruelty. So (Allison doesn't say this part) with guidance from our guides and advisors, we "buck up" and give this advice. We even go so far as to say we will bring a suitable person into his or her sphere (which we are capable of doing, and remember this for general applications). This concerns soul-mates, and it also concerns the closest of what I have called "rock along" or friends marriages, as well. Where there is a very close bond, which holds up under clear vision in the astral world--a relationship which was intrinsically genuine and deep. Normally, death would not really sever such a deep relationship, and in the future, it will not be so. But now, if the loved one can't make the adjustment, and remains miserable and lonely, love requires that the one on our side, in the astral realm, think of the beloved's happiness even to this extent. And it is easier to do, here, than it is on the earth when inhabiting a physical body. But one might say it is still not easy--not for everybody. (And not for me, as both of us were quite jealous-natured.)

Now we come to the part Steve might prefer not to share, here. But I was giving him the clear impression that under certain circumstances, I would not be averse to watching pornography with him, just as any couple might on rare occasions. Like anything else, it should be tasteful rather than banal. I told him, "Let me lead you by prompting, and don't get side-tracked, stick exactly and only with what I lead you to." So while he has had trouble following this instruction when we tried it in the past, and felt dirty and guilty about it afterwards, this time he promised he would do exactly that. Using the most benign keywords possible, the very first video he clicked on, was a girl who looked remarkably like me, being quite respectfully and gently "serviced." We won't go so far as to say it was a loving couple--perhaps they had a respectful agreement. In any case, it filled in the gap for what I am not able to provide, in such a way that this built-up need will be satisfied for, say, another half a year or so.

To be clearer, what it did precisely was to tie directly in to Steve's intense subconscious memories of admiring my beauty while in sexual ecstacy. These memories haunt Steve, and build and build, and I cannot assuage them. The funny thing is, when I was Abby, I agonized over how ridiculous and ugly my face must look, while I was grimacing--he might fall out of love with me, seeing me thus! Or so I thought. But to him, I was Aphrodite, a goddess of beauty--and the impression lay very deeply embedded in his mind. I suppose I was beautiful, for all that. We are all beautiful, here--it is only that that beauty sometimes comes through fully in a physical incarnation, and sometimes it is overshadowed for a time, meaning, for a lifetime or some part of a lifetime. But we are all intrinsically beautiful, in our various ways. So I had brought through most of my natural beauty into that incarnation, and Matt was stunned by it when we were intimate like this (grimacing or no); and the memory does haunt him even today.

The reason this issue came up, is that I saw his attraction to a young store clerk, who also looked like me, and I saw his brave efforts to think of me, to think that she wasn't as pretty as I was, to think that this was the reason he felt the attraction in the first place, but that she wasn't me, and so-on. I see all his thoughts, by his standing permission; and I feel the love which goes into such efforts. But I understand his physical needs, how they build over time, and I feel sad that I can't make myself fully manifested on the physical level to comply. If I was his physical spouse, of course I would! Unlike some marriages where there is something deeply wrong, I never denied Mathew, except when I was going through a period of very deep soul-searching about myself--I felt like a phony in my long-held and cherished belief in helping other people, because they were turning against me; and I was questioning myself deeply. Here is how a woman's mind works, which a man will never understand...I felt, Matt loved me as a woman whose religion was to help other people less fortunate. What if he knew I was a phony? Would he still love me? So I felt I couldn't make love to him, you see, until I sorted this out. Because what if, when he said he loved me (which he often did while we made love--he would whisper it over and over in my ear to make me climax, and Steve has remembered this, but that's another story with other doubts which were resolved)--what if, when he whispered that, he wouldn't really love me, if he knew I was a phony? You see. I couldn't tell him; and I couldn't make love to him--but he was feeling hurt and rejected.

So, I saw him take his attraction to this store clerk immediately back to its root cause (i.e., myself), and forget about it; but I could see that this urge was building up. In our present situation, with me in the astral realm, we can still resume our marriage on most levels. We can communicate, we can plan, we can joke, we can create, we can express art, we can do community service. But the impressions he has of making love to me physically, of seeing my beauty in the midst of sexual ecstacy, I cannot repeat with him. Those impressions continue to press, you see. So this relieves them, puts them somewhat into abeyance, for another half a year, or a year, or so. Steve won't watch the video again, thus preventing it from becoming addicting. That takes will power. This is not to be done by people without sufficient will power.

Just so, Steve takes a small glass of red wine occasionally, or occasionally a beer with lunch, as a treat. But at the house he recently moved from, which is for recovering alcoholics, he couldn't have any at all. They can't be tempted with it, you see. So Steve easily gave it up--but he is glad, now that he is in his new apartment, to be able to resume that habit. But no more than that. They also, paradoxically, smoked a great deal of marijuana at that house. Steve was, as they say, psychologically addicted in his youth; but it wasn't a severe temptation for him. He says that once he understood clearly that marijuana shuts off a part of the brain--and that it was taking an increasingly long time for his brain to recover fully--he wanted nothing more to do with it. A firm resolve will hold. If the thing is not on the table even for discussion, then there is no conflict.

So, moderation in things which are potentially dangerous, is the key. Many medicines are actually poisons taken in very small doses. When Steve can follow my lead--because I am in the "scout" position, able to see more clearly, in our current configuration--I can guide him as to what medicines are best, and in what doses. It won't always be thus. In our long, long string of future lifetimes together, sometimes he will be in the guide position. For now, I am.

As a writer, Steve would wind this down more gradually--but I have little else to say. Only that Steve is finding the new apartment I arranged for him--to get him out of that previous situation, which I didn't like for him--is perfect. I did not like to see Steve yelled at for stupid little things he did, or even things he didn't really do, as though he was a child of a verbally abusive parent. He suffered it for my sake; but I only permitted it because he had to get to Portland somehow. It was very tricky arranging for him to get established, here. You may recall that as Steve was leaving North Myrtle Beach, I was very busy behind the scenes, making arrangements for him.

Now he needs precisely the right job. What he is doing presently, helping and visiting elderly people in need, is fine, and good for the spirit--but Steve's destiny lies elsewhere. I will have to bring him through a series of tricky steps. Watch me work!

Love to each and all,