November 16, 2017
Steve is concerned that my audience will get the wrong impression about our relationship, given my age difference with Mathew when we first began courting. So, we're going to briefly set down the facts, here, as best as Steve understands them from his research, and I will nudge him if I want to comment.
At age 14, I was an eccentric "indigo child," who spent a lot of time thinking, composing music and poetry, and communing with Nature. I was also psychic; and when you are psychic, you pick up on things people won't admit to, and you are shunned (and feared). So I was persecuted by the local girls. My father was seriously thinking of sending me to a boarding school, which terrified me. But with my mother's intervention, it was agreed, by way of compromise, that I would prepare for a career teaching. I would attend a class in nearby Newburport; and I would also take on my brother's friend, Mathew, a bright farmer boy who very much wanted an education, as a student. He was four years older, but had not had the benefit my tutored education. I could teach him the classics, and Latin, and French. He would pay in-kind by doing chores, perhaps, as Steve surmises, working with my father's horses.
Seeing his true potential--and sensing, with my psychic ability, his nobility in past lives--I quickly fell in love with him. He was very bright indeed, and had a tremendously infectious sense of humor. I resolved to "clean up him" and make him my own--as in, "I'm keeping him" ;-). But he had long been in unrequited love with the village coquette--Steve thinks, based on his reaction to her portrait, it was probably one Evelina Bray, whom his brother is said to have dated briefly. As a result of her rejection, he had stoically vowed to remain a bachelor. So I had my work cut out for me.
Matt moved to New York City to work as a clerk in a mercantile store, and also wrote for one of the newspapers there. He would come back to help with the harvest on his family's farm, and I would tutor him. Meanwhile, I would give him reading assignments. I made it clear that I was in love with him, and he humored me about it. I was, after all, just a girl, and I was physically a late-bloomer, on top of that. But we were perfectly simpatico, mentally and spiritually--though he was a skeptic in matters esoteric, I was gradually bringing him around. He would make fun of my ideas; I would bear it, and persist. It wasn't going to be easy to bring convince him, but I knew his true potential. I also knew, from the stars and other kinds of readings, that we were twin souls, destined to be together.
To make a long story short--because Steve is running out of time--Matt kept on humoring me, and continued to be friends with my brother, Francis, until we danced together at a fall party at my house. From then on he began to see me differently; and in a few months, by February of the following year (1832), he was really in love with me. But I was still 15 years old--he dared not express it physically. We remained chaste--though it wasn't easy for him--as he had promised my parents. We were permitted to take evening walks alone, and we formed a deep blending of mind and heart, together, sans sexual expression.
I didn't know of his promise, I am giving Steve to feel--I was naive in all this. I only knew I was in love, and I was finally developing into a young woman. I thought maybe I was just too unattractive for him to want me that way--so, of course, taking courage, I began flirting with him! He, meanwhile, was really struggling, until finally, I seduced him, in the spring of 1833, when I had been 16 years old for a few months, and he was 20. Sixteen was considered old enough, at that time, to begin courting--young women of society "came out" at 16. And so Mathew felt I was finally old enough that, even if my parents wouldn't approve, at least it was morally justifiable, between us, that he wouldn't be taking advantage of me. I was old enough to make the decision for it to be consensual, in other words.
So we didn't become physically intimate until I was well into my 16th year; and that is another story. We had no birth control, and Matt was very sweet about avoiding pregnancy--otherwise, I was eager to experiment and explore.* As I have said before, here in this journal, it is a good thing that Matt was faithful and true in his love for me, and fully intended that we should be married just as soon as we were able. Because what started out, for me, as scientific curiosity, quickly overwhelmed me so that I was hopelessly in love (even more so, I mean); but Matt was true. So many girls my age were lied to and left pregnant, and their lives, in this era, were ruined. So I was very fortunate, in my naivete, to have picked my true love.
We hope this answers any questions that any of you may have had. Perhaps we will turn to other subjects, next time.
Love to each and all,
*Incidentally, you may find some references by historians that girls in my day didn't know there was such a thing as a female orgasm. What nonsense! Well, I own as there may have been some Puritan girls who didn't know about them...but I guarantee, French girls knew about them! (Especially French girls with older, married sisters.)